Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
