This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
