So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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