dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
