dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
