xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
