I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
