I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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