You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
