My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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