Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
