i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
