there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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