I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
