So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
