chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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