I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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