I wish I could punch you in the face.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just had sex on a roof
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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