He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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