My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
