dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
