I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
