So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sarcasm needs its own font
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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