Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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