the condom got lost in my hair
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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