Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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