stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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