At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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