I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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