i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
