Your face is a jimmy john
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
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