The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
