you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
