I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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