I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
