my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
