I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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