I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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