I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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