I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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