Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
