Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
