Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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