i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
