I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
