I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
handjob tips. give me some.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
