Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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