The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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