he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
