I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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