Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
