I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
